I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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