please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
