Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
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