I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Randomize