Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
