my phone needs a breathalizer
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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