I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
two words: eviction party
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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