It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
