Where is the hickey?
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
