her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Randomize