All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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