Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Randomize
