dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Randomize