I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
