I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
