hotel room ftw
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Use "feeling words"
Yay
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Randomize
