I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
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