I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
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