My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
She needs sedatives and a leash
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
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