Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Randomize
