I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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