3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
Don't EVER smell your tampon
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
