Need sex. Gaining weight.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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