She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Hippo gnu deer
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
