Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Randomize
