This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
Randomize
