i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
