i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize