My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Randomize
