i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize