I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
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