can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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