i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize