By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
