she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
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