You did that once after drunk driving from a photo shoot
That was very cool/italian of you
Which brings me to my next point, how come italians are so well adapted to drunk driving
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
