Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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