Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
