You're a womanizer and a bitch.
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
