speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
