Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
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