im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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