Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
