Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
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