my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
