her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Randomize
