Moan for me like Helen Keller
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
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