Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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