Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
She told me I should be a condom model.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
what is it with giant penises always finding me
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
