Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
