is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize