We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Be still, my beating vagina.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Randomize
