I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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