I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Randomize
