She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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