And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Alive.
So much puke
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
