so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
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