Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Randomize
