oh fat girl friday strikes again...
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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