I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
