Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
