Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
