I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
