cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
You've changed since you got that strap on
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
