if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
