I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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