How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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