i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
I just gift wrapped bread.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Randomize
