My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
