all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
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