I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
